Now available in Google Play and Apple App stores. Not available for residents of South Dakota.

Taking a page from Costco’s playbook, this MSP’s “loss leader” campaign is finger-lickin’ strategic. “We’ve seen NOC revenue jump 215% in the past quarter,” said MSP Owner John Witherow, proudly handing out hot birds and pamphlets on hybrid cloud architecture. Customers report showing up for dinner and leaving with a 36-month Microsoft licensing commitment. “I…

It took less than twelve milliseconds to come up with this ranking. Rounding out the top 3 are the “Diddy-Done-It Brunch” and “Toaster-in-the-Tub Game.”

After playing every role in Hollywood, Pedro Pascal says this one is personal. “To finally embody Clippy — a misunderstood icon — is a dream come true.” Pascal will produce and star as the animated assistant-turned-tragic hero. .J.J. Abrams is set to direct the epic rise, fall, and resurrection of Microsoft’s most helpful paperclip. This…

SAN JOSE, CA — In a surprise press conference held on the tarmac at San Jose Mineta Airport, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled iPlane, a sleek, minimalist aircraft that instantly triggered both industry buzz and industry panic. “All domestic tickets start at $3,900,” Cook announced, pausing for applause that did not come. “From there, customers…

McDonald’s fan favorite is back to critical acclaim. Experts warn that while the Snack Wrap might be savory and satisfying, using it as a password is McDumb. “We’re not saying people should be locked out of their bank accounts for this,” said one IT admin. “But we’re also not… not saying that.”

“It’s about creating a seamless brand experience,” says Elon Musk. The newly opened Tesla Diner & Charging Lounge allows patrons to cook their own meals with a scaled-down Cybertruck, with open flames fueled by what Tesla describes as a “proprietary lithium-ion sizzle system.” “We want customers to feel the heat of innovation. Literally,” said Elon…

Guess who’s on the Naughty List now…